Readable music videos: Nicki Minaj featuring Cassie

I watched the video of ‘The Boys’ by Nicki Minaj featuring Cassie so you don’t have to.

But before the main feature, a message from the environmental lobby:

Please conserve water. For example, use your grey water to flush the loo, or to pipe through your garden water features.

Nicki demonstrates, by not wasting the leftover water from the swimming pool in ‘Superbass‘:

Ain’t no such thing as grey water in the Minajerie!

End of environmental messages; let the entertainments commence.

Nicki Minaj
‘Arson and Arse-On’

In case you missed it:

In case you missed it again:

YES WE GET IT THANKS. You’re hardly making Minaj on the Orient Express here.

It’s a bad day all round in the Minajerie, because before the song has even started, Nicki crashes her car.

“That came out of nowhere!”

“Ha, women drivers…”

Fortunately Nicki walks away unhurt, because she deployed her twin airbags.

NB Jodie Marsh styled this video.

If you think that the rear view is an all too explicit celebration of VPL, then beware the next shot: the front view is an all too explicit celebration of camel toe.

Dancer 1: “It’s a revelation in ventilation!”
Dancer 2: “Never. Will. Unsee.”

The dancers cancel their trip to the sleeve shop to go and buy some brain-bleach. Meanwhile, Nicki takes some time out for core strength exercises.

“Fitness is fun, y’all!”

Outside Nicki’s Ballroom, the bad weather is kicking in:

Spot the dancer who is much more excited about this job than all the others are.

On the mean streets of the Minajerie, today’s litany of misfortune continues with another vicious incident:


…Tintin to the rescue!

Oh, hello Cassie. I’d ask you how you are doing, but because you have actively chosen to spend your life with Diddy, I do not want to know the answer.

Palate cleanser: a little man-on-man action.

“Dude. I told you. NOT THE FACE.”

During that interlude, Nicki has managed to sort out her car insurance and pick up a courtesy car…

…from Jambo from Hollyoaks.

We now arrive at the montage mont-aj of obligatory Nicki wacky-faces and bikini shots, but frankly we should just all be grateful that we avoided one for so long. Nicki’s killing time until her appointment at the worst hair salon in town.

It’s so bad, they don’t even have old copies of Heat magazine; hence the poor clientele have to resort to reading the newspapers, which are reporting a front-page event that has not yet happened.

It’s an arts-themed salon. The flying hairdryer is a tribute to the crappy animated sea creatures in The Life Aquatic, and the inflatable poodle is a tribute to the work of Jeff Koons. Next, surprisingly, is a tribute to the underrated 2004 Hayden Christenssen film Shattered Glass:

THWOCK! Walked straight into the door. We’ve all done that, amiright?

Still, it’s better to be outside the salon with concussion, than inside the salon with

pubic lice.

As if this salon needed to be any more crappy: there are idiots bouncing up and down all over the place; flying implements will have your eyeballs out; and a Hair Technologist has been drying Nicki’s hair for ages even though it is not wet, and is a wig, and verily is more glue than wig. With all that to recommend it, the salon deserves what’s coming to it.

Let’s check in with Cassie, yes? Here she is demonstrating how that morning she succeeded in bullying Lee Evans into giving her his suit.

He wasn’t frightened enough to give her a shirt to go with it.

Now, this is everybody’s warning to run like hell. The solvents from all that warmed-up wig glue have had deleterious effects upon Nicki’s brain, and there’s no way this

is going to end well. Especially for Nicki herself, since she is 90% composed of highly inflammable materials.

“Guys, what the hell are you talking about? This is nothing like the corpse-filled cafe scene in the ‘Telephone’ video. Which I’ve never seen, of course. I have never heard of this ‘Lady Gaga’ of whom you speak. Any likeness is pure coincidence.”

Anyway. Even in the middle of the Minajpocalypse, Nicki remembers to

stay classy.

And of course…

…Cassie remembers to stay classie.

“Erm, Cassie? What are you doing down there?”
“Oh, I’m just trying to distract you from the wave of remorse that is about to hit you as a consequence of the arson you just committed.”
“Oh god! You’re right! All those deaths on my conscience! But…but… Maybe if I

roost on this corpse, it’ll hatch?”

The other corpses try to make themselves scarce.

As the video draws to a close, the full repercussions of Nicki’s actions become evident:

Infernally itchy wig. But if you will burn your hairdresser to death, Nicki, you must be prepared to live with the consequences. Reap what you sow.



One Comment to “Readable music videos: Nicki Minaj featuring Cassie”

Insert your opinions here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s