Readable music videos: One Direction

I watched the video of ‘Kiss You’ by One Direction so you don’t have to.

I’m not ashamed to admit I don’t know the proper names of all these twinks. I’m older than they are combined.

So, meet The One Who Always Looks Worried:

1D 2 worried

Quiff Richard, and his designated driver Evil Fotherington-Thomas:

1D 3 car

Oh, that’s why The One Who Always Looks Worried is looking worried – Harry Styles has been hiding out in his back pocket.

1D 6 Styles appears

Taylor Swift will never think to look for him in there.

TS toy
“Like EVER.” [Checks tracking devices.]

Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m sure there were more than four members of Juan Derek Chun.” You’re right. The fifth one has been demoted to shifting scenery:

1D 7 scene

Just kidding! Here he is, taking the part of Jennifer Patterson for the band’s pastiche of Two Fat Ladies.

1D 8 Jennifer Patterson

Fun Fact: Harry goes to the same hairdresser as Clarissa Dickson Wright.

Over in the car, Evil Fotherington-Thomas has been enjoying some bird-watching:

1D 9 bird hands

“No, I don’t think that was an egret, actually. It looked more like this.”

Now here’s a surprise: despite their international success, the Wanda Rex Yon videos are still really low-budget. They’re not on a real road, and they can only afford waxworks to operate the lights.

1D 10 waxwork

That’s the old Loyd Grossman statue from the set of pre-Torode Masterchef, wearing mufti.

By now you must be bored, having had to wait a whole forty seconds for the homoeroticism to kick in.

1D 11b homoeroticism

Feel better now?

Cut to…

1D 13 suggestive

…JAIL? What?? Boys, it’s 2013; it’s no longer illegal for you to do all those things the slashfic writers want you to do with each other.

The pitch for this video, in one screengrab:

1D 14 B*witched

“One Direction hijack their school production of Chicago to perform their B*Witched tribute act.”

1D 15 brujo

With an encore of “Lafayette turns into the brujo-face at the end of True Blood series four” tribute act.

You know how the papers get hold of school photos of criminals? Like everyone, Won Dire Act Choon have their fair share of embarrassing yearbook pictures.

1D 16 drums

“The Oneders, doing that thing they do.” (In Harry’s case, banging. Of course.)

1D 17 cymbal head
“The class clown!” (Failed his music GCSE.)

1D 18 posers
“Reservoir Dicks!”

Meanwhile, back in the slammer, Wan De R’Egg Sion have learnt to replicate themselves.

1D 20 replicate

“Never, ever feed them after midnight.”

Let out of jail early due to overcrowding, as part of their probation the boys have been forced to become catalogue models.

1D 22 ski models

The degredation proves too great for Evil Fotherington-Thomas, who quits and is replaced by Thing from The Addams Family.

1D 23 hand

Wonder Action playing at indoor skiing reminds me of my favourite childhood game: budget bobsleigh. My brothers and I used to climb into sleeping bags and slide down the stars. Budget bobsleigh. Try it. NB use the shiniest sleeping bag you can find; back in the 80s, this was easy.

1D 24 skiing

Of course, One Day Wreck Shone weren’t even alive in the 80s, and here are some reminders of how close to infanthood they still are: Harry in his Baby Bouncer,

1D 25 romper

and The One Who Always Looks Worried in his waterwings.

1D 29 armbands

The stress of learning to swim has made The One Who Always Looks Worried plaster his own body with Snoopy stickers.

1D 30 fencing

Boys, ski slopes are dangerous places. Practice the Macarena and your fencing moves back in the scout hut, please.

Oy! Stop mucking about!

1D 33b road safety

We know you all want to live while you’re young, but Jennifer Patterson would like the option to live while he’s middle-aged as well, please.

If you can’t stop menacing the roads, you have to go back to the playpen.

1D 34 trombone

Quiff Richard, keep them all entertained with some trombone solos. Thanks.

INTERMISSION. The boys make like Gene Kelly in On The Town/fuel some fantasies/try out Mothercare’s new range of sailor suits for size.

1D 35b sailors

Back to work, and the psychological destruction of The One Who Always Looks Worried continues:

1D 36 shark

With his stress levels rocketing, he can’t find solance on dry land either, as even those pairs of shoes you see danging above the road from telephone wires are attacking him.

1D 37b shoes

“Why me? Why does Styles get to have all the fun?”

Forget all your worries, One Who Always Looks Worried: it’s time for a dance break.

1D 38 little less conversation

“A little less conversation, a little more action, doo doo be doo.”

1D 39 bass fail

It is an ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE that these fools are in the music business. That is NOT how you play the bass and it is NOT how you play the drums.

Styles knows his limits, and sticks to playing with himself

1D 40 nipples

and his famous four nipples. He used to have six, but Taylor Swift took a pair as a souvenir.

1D 42 end

It’s sad, but predictable, to see them all back in the Big House already. Recidivism rates really are shocking amongst young prisoners.

THE END! So, what have we learned?

Narratively, this video is shambolic. Is it a parade of fantasy visuals for those who want to tuck the young tykes up in bed, or for those who want to do…something only one letter different? Reader, it is both. It is an exploration of the tension between the two, therefore much of the art is taking place within your own conscience rather than on screen.




One Comment to “Readable music videos: One Direction”

  1. Why am I so inexplicably charmed by these idiots?

    Magnificent write-up.

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