Archive for ‘readable music videos’

January 17, 2013

Readable music videos: One Direction

I watched the video of ‘Kiss You’ by One Direction so you don’t have to.

I’m not ashamed to admit I don’t know the proper names of all these twinks. I’m older than they are combined.

So, meet The One Who Always Looks Worried:

1D 2 worried

Quiff Richard, and his designated driver Evil Fotherington-Thomas:

1D 3 car

Oh, that’s why The One Who Always Looks Worried is looking worried – Harry Styles has been hiding out in his back pocket.

1D 6 Styles appears

Taylor Swift will never think to look for him in there.

TS toy
“Like EVER.” [Checks tracking devices.]

Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m sure there were more than four members of Juan Derek Chun.” You’re right. The fifth one has been demoted to shifting scenery:

1D 7 scene

Just kidding! Here he is, taking the part of Jennifer Patterson for the band’s pastiche of Two Fat Ladies.

1D 8 Jennifer Patterson

Fun Fact: Harry goes to the same hairdresser as Clarissa Dickson Wright.

Over in the car, Evil Fotherington-Thomas has been enjoying some bird-watching:

1D 9 bird hands

“No, I don’t think that was an egret, actually. It looked more like this.”

Now here’s a surprise: despite their international success, the Wanda Rex Yon videos are still really low-budget. They’re not on a real road, and they can only afford waxworks to operate the lights.

1D 10 waxwork

That’s the old Loyd Grossman statue from the set of pre-Torode Masterchef, wearing mufti.

By now you must be bored, having had to wait a whole forty seconds for the homoeroticism to kick in.

1D 11b homoeroticism

Feel better now?

Cut to…

1D 13 suggestive

…JAIL? What?? Boys, it’s 2013; it’s no longer illegal for you to do all those things the slashfic writers want you to do with each other.

The pitch for this video, in one screengrab:

1D 14 B*witched

“One Direction hijack their school production of Chicago to perform their B*Witched tribute act.”

1D 15 brujo

With an encore of “Lafayette turns into the brujo-face at the end of True Blood series four” tribute act.

You know how the papers get hold of school photos of criminals? Like everyone, Won Dire Act Choon have their fair share of embarrassing yearbook pictures.

1D 16 drums

“The Oneders, doing that thing they do.” (In Harry’s case, banging. Of course.)

read more »

Advertisements
October 26, 2012

Readable music videos: The Wanted

I watched the video of ‘I Found You’ by The Wanted so you don’t have to.

Before you read this post, seek the advice of your parents, because:

However, this is the real warning sign:

There’s a director credit, and some unnecessary aspect ratio bars at the top and bottom. Which means that you need to strap in, because this is aspiring to be arty.

Meet The Wanted.


From left to right: The Bouncer, The Farmer, The Preteen Sensation, The Tall One and Inspector Clouseau.

Since their last single, The Wanted gained a sixth member:

Chicks can’t resist the puppy eyes.

The Wanted are taking the dog for a walk. Dogs require regular walkies, hence The Wanted spend much of this video walking.

See Spot run. See The Wanted walk.

The Wanted stroll to a bar for refreshment. The Preteen Sensation stays outside with a packet of peanuts, because he won’t be able to get served for at least another eight years. Meanwhile, the rest of The Wanted make eyes at somebody across the crowded room.

They are truly enraptured, but by whom?

Ryan Gosling!

“Hey girl…oh, sorry Siva.”

Too bad the ukulele romance will have to wait, because The Wanted have got a job to do and they need to do it now, because if The Preteen Sensation doesn’t get home by 6pm, his mum won’t allow him to have any Frubes for pudding.

I’ve never seen a dog’s bum look less impressed. If you need a door broken down…don’t ask a boyband to do it.

Anyway, remember the pretty gagged blonde lady? Here are two of her extremities:

She put on that duct tape because she heard it gets rid of verrucas. Then it slipped up her feet and now her legs are incapacitated; what a fine mess she got herself into! Thank Christ there’s a boyband on the way to sort it all out.

The Wanted have their duffing-up faces on

and are about to have a big old fight on the stairs. This is what a Wanted fight looks like:


You should have seen the other guy!

Punches are punched. Shoves are shoved. Men fly. Glasses shatter. DVDs are put back on the shelf out of alphabetical order.

HULK SMASH!

Despite her plight, the bound blonde seems entertained by the spectacle of The Wanted beating up the men, because frankly 80% of the Wanted look like they couldn’t even beat up a meringue.


“And then I ripped off his leg and beat him to death with it.”

Against all odds, The Wanted have won the day, and found the lady! They send in The Preteen Sensation to rescue her, because the rest of the band are busy with grown-up things like tax returns and whisky-tasting.

She’s looking forward to having the circulation restored to her feet, but The Preteen Sensation has other ideas.


“Please miss, give us a snog!”
“Ugh, no – your breath smells of Dora The Explorer toothpaste.”

Now we learn that we should not have been fooled by this innocent child face, for it belies a wiley scheme! Having distracted the still-bound blonde with his juvenile osculations, from somewhere upon her body, he extracts a tiny key. And with that, it’s goodbye to the lady – losers weepers!

He’s got the key! He’s got the secre-eh-eh-et! He’s got the key to a…

…box that The Wanted drag up from the river.

Betcha wish you were that padlock, eh girls?


CLICK HERE FOR MORE READABLE MUSIC VIDEOS

October 24, 2012

Readable music videos: Nicki Minaj featuring Cassie

I watched the video of ‘The Boys’ by Nicki Minaj featuring Cassie so you don’t have to.

But before the main feature, a message from the environmental lobby:

Please conserve water. For example, use your grey water to flush the loo, or to pipe through your garden water features.

Nicki demonstrates, by not wasting the leftover water from the swimming pool in ‘Superbass‘:

Ain’t no such thing as grey water in the Minajerie!

End of environmental messages; let the entertainments commence.

Nicki Minaj
in
‘Arson and Arse-On’

In case you missed it:

In case you missed it again:

YES WE GET IT THANKS. You’re hardly making Minaj on the Orient Express here.

It’s a bad day all round in the Minajerie, because before the song has even started, Nicki crashes her car.

“That came out of nowhere!”

“Ha, women drivers…”

Fortunately Nicki walks away unhurt, because she deployed her twin airbags.

NB Jodie Marsh styled this video.

If you think that the rear view is an all too explicit celebration of VPL, then beware the next shot: the front view is an all too explicit celebration of camel toe.

read more »

October 16, 2012

Readable music videos: Taylor Swift

I watched the video of Taylor Swift’s ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’, so you don’t have to.

We open on Taylor’s apartment. The wallpaper is giant cable knitting. That’s right: Taylor Swift – estimated worth $80m – lives in a tea cosy.

Taylor is in her jimjams, but also wearing immaculate red lipstick, thus issuing a conflicting message to her suitor. Are you receiving guests or are you not, Taylor? It is no wonder you’re being jerked about by your boyfriend when you are unable to make up your own mind.

Immediately from this scene, we can already see why Taylor’s boyfriend keeps dumping her. Firstly, the TV is showing a Taylor Swift video. She’s too self-obsessed to have a proper long-term relationship with somebody else. Secondly, everywhere she goes, Taylor is followed by a gang of plushies. As if this were not offputting enough, add the ‘wacky rubber doll’ facial expression worn by the chief plushy.

“Still feeling sexy? Thought not.”

The plushies possess a plethora of instruments – keytar, autoharp, white violin, a Gretsch Bo Diddley guitar – but they are wearing big furry paws so cannot play them. This is OK because the song does not seem to have much keytar in the backing track anyway.

While they’re busy gurning and miming, over in the Cheeseplant Room, Taylor has a cross chat with her man, who is wisely wearing earphones to block out her nagging. In case you’re wondering just who is this fellow who has caused Taylor such heartache on repeat, he is holding a 12″ record. Consider his character established!

“Oh, so it’s OK for you to define yourself with retro-whimsical objects, but I’m not allowed?”
“Tee hee! Why don’t you ask my Felix the Cat clock?”

Taylor answers a call on the wall phone that she has, because she’s 22 so not old enough to remember that landlines are not actually cool at all. On the other end of the line, her gentleman caller is on a payphone – are we really to believe that neither of them have decent mobile reception?

The action moves to a place we are supposed to believe is a bar because on the wall there is a neon sign saying ‘BAR’. A case of ‘The bar doth protest too much’, for surely if a bar has succeeded in being a bar, it does not need to declare its bar-ness in such an obvious way? This leads me to believe that this is in fact a church hall which self-identifies as a bar and wishes to be treated as such by the world at large.

“I so am a bar!”

Check out the autoharp-strumming plushy wearing sunglasses in the dark bar. What a tool. He will shortly be roadkill, as Taylor and her gentleman friend zoom up in their cardboard car. “Give us a ride!” plead the plushies. “Damn, I can NOT catch a break today,” sighs Taylor’s boyfriend’s penis, as they pile into the boot.

The on-again-off-again couple finally have some alone time outside a garden centre or something, but Taylor’s mood swings strike again: she veers from ‘amorous’ to ‘way unimpressed’ in the time it takes to put a scarf on, so she scampers off for a lie-down and a big phone-moan to her interested friendthe speaking clock. Yet again, she’s using the landline, but at least this time it is a portable phone. Baby steps, Taylor.

Perhaps ‘baby’ is a risky word to use in a Swiftian context, as on her pillow is a stripy knitted toy that would wilt the boner of any adult man who ends up in that bed.

“Sorry, Casanova, I don’t do threesomes. Like EVER.”

We return to Taylor’s flat, where the plushies lure us in for a party: jumping now, dry-humping later. A man-squirrel nearly knocks a picture off the wall, but doesn’t, which is lucky, because Taylor can’t take any more upset today.

‘Knock knock!’ Taylor’s man is at the door – but oh dear, he’s not dressed as a woodland creature, so he can’t come in. HA. Finally, Taylor has managed to close the door (literally and figuratively #clever) on her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal John Mayer Joe Jonas Taylor Lautner vinyl guy.

Then, as Taylor turns back to the party, we see that all the revellers have vanished. They may have been a product of Taylor’s overheated imagination all along, a fantasy to help her through this traumatic break-up. But she’s not alone; we see her flirting with a knitted bird outside the window.

“Wanna come in and see my etchings?”

Sadly, Taylor seems to relate better to inanimate objects, which will be an obstacle to her forming meaningful relationships with an actual human adult anytime soon. Best of luck to the person who breaks this cycle.

NB don’t break this cycle, which is standing in the kitchen NOT as another self-conscious indication of Cute Hipsterism, but because Taylor has a pedal-powered microwave.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE READABLE MUSIC VIDEOS