Posts tagged ‘boyband’

January 17, 2013

Readable music videos: One Direction

I watched the video of ‘Kiss You’ by One Direction so you don’t have to.

I’m not ashamed to admit I don’t know the proper names of all these twinks. I’m older than they are combined.

So, meet The One Who Always Looks Worried:

1D 2 worried

Quiff Richard, and his designated driver Evil Fotherington-Thomas:

1D 3 car

Oh, that’s why The One Who Always Looks Worried is looking worried – Harry Styles has been hiding out in his back pocket.

1D 6 Styles appears

Taylor Swift will never think to look for him in there.

TS toy
“Like EVER.” [Checks tracking devices.]

Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m sure there were more than four members of Juan Derek Chun.” You’re right. The fifth one has been demoted to shifting scenery:

1D 7 scene

Just kidding! Here he is, taking the part of Jennifer Patterson for the band’s pastiche of Two Fat Ladies.

1D 8 Jennifer Patterson

Fun Fact: Harry goes to the same hairdresser as Clarissa Dickson Wright.

Over in the car, Evil Fotherington-Thomas has been enjoying some bird-watching:

1D 9 bird hands

“No, I don’t think that was an egret, actually. It looked more like this.”

Now here’s a surprise: despite their international success, the Wanda Rex Yon videos are still really low-budget. They’re not on a real road, and they can only afford waxworks to operate the lights.

1D 10 waxwork

That’s the old Loyd Grossman statue from the set of pre-Torode Masterchef, wearing mufti.

By now you must be bored, having had to wait a whole forty seconds for the homoeroticism to kick in.

1D 11b homoeroticism

Feel better now?

Cut to…

1D 13 suggestive

…JAIL? What?? Boys, it’s 2013; it’s no longer illegal for you to do all those things the slashfic writers want you to do with each other.

The pitch for this video, in one screengrab:

1D 14 B*witched

“One Direction hijack their school production of Chicago to perform their B*Witched tribute act.”

1D 15 brujo

With an encore of “Lafayette turns into the brujo-face at the end of True Blood series four” tribute act.

You know how the papers get hold of school photos of criminals? Like everyone, Won Dire Act Choon have their fair share of embarrassing yearbook pictures.

1D 16 drums

“The Oneders, doing that thing they do.” (In Harry’s case, banging. Of course.)

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October 26, 2012

Readable music videos: The Wanted

I watched the video of ‘I Found You’ by The Wanted so you don’t have to.

Before you read this post, seek the advice of your parents, because:

However, this is the real warning sign:

There’s a director credit, and some unnecessary aspect ratio bars at the top and bottom. Which means that you need to strap in, because this is aspiring to be arty.

Meet The Wanted.


From left to right: The Bouncer, The Farmer, The Preteen Sensation, The Tall One and Inspector Clouseau.

Since their last single, The Wanted gained a sixth member:

Chicks can’t resist the puppy eyes.

The Wanted are taking the dog for a walk. Dogs require regular walkies, hence The Wanted spend much of this video walking.

See Spot run. See The Wanted walk.

The Wanted stroll to a bar for refreshment. The Preteen Sensation stays outside with a packet of peanuts, because he won’t be able to get served for at least another eight years. Meanwhile, the rest of The Wanted make eyes at somebody across the crowded room.

They are truly enraptured, but by whom?

Ryan Gosling!

“Hey girl…oh, sorry Siva.”

Too bad the ukulele romance will have to wait, because The Wanted have got a job to do and they need to do it now, because if The Preteen Sensation doesn’t get home by 6pm, his mum won’t allow him to have any Frubes for pudding.

I’ve never seen a dog’s bum look less impressed. If you need a door broken down…don’t ask a boyband to do it.

Anyway, remember the pretty gagged blonde lady? Here are two of her extremities:

She put on that duct tape because she heard it gets rid of verrucas. Then it slipped up her feet and now her legs are incapacitated; what a fine mess she got herself into! Thank Christ there’s a boyband on the way to sort it all out.

The Wanted have their duffing-up faces on

and are about to have a big old fight on the stairs. This is what a Wanted fight looks like:


You should have seen the other guy!

Punches are punched. Shoves are shoved. Men fly. Glasses shatter. DVDs are put back on the shelf out of alphabetical order.

HULK SMASH!

Despite her plight, the bound blonde seems entertained by the spectacle of The Wanted beating up the men, because frankly 80% of the Wanted look like they couldn’t even beat up a meringue.


“And then I ripped off his leg and beat him to death with it.”

Against all odds, The Wanted have won the day, and found the lady! They send in The Preteen Sensation to rescue her, because the rest of the band are busy with grown-up things like tax returns and whisky-tasting.

She’s looking forward to having the circulation restored to her feet, but The Preteen Sensation has other ideas.


“Please miss, give us a snog!”
“Ugh, no – your breath smells of Dora The Explorer toothpaste.”

Now we learn that we should not have been fooled by this innocent child face, for it belies a wiley scheme! Having distracted the still-bound blonde with his juvenile osculations, from somewhere upon her body, he extracts a tiny key. And with that, it’s goodbye to the lady – losers weepers!

He’s got the key! He’s got the secre-eh-eh-et! He’s got the key to a…

…box that The Wanted drag up from the river.

Betcha wish you were that padlock, eh girls?


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