I watched the video of ‘Kiss You’ by One Direction so you don’t have to.
I’m not ashamed to admit I don’t know the proper names of all these twinks. I’m older than they are combined.
So, meet The One Who Always Looks Worried:
Quiff Richard, and his designated driver Evil Fotherington-Thomas:
Oh, that’s why The One Who Always Looks Worried is looking worried – Harry Styles has been hiding out in his back pocket.
Taylor Swift will never think to look for him in there.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m sure there were more than four members of Juan Derek Chun.” You’re right. The fifth one has been demoted to shifting scenery:
Just kidding! Here he is, taking the part of Jennifer Patterson for the band’s pastiche of Two Fat Ladies.
Fun Fact: Harry goes to the same hairdresser as Clarissa Dickson Wright.
Over in the car, Evil Fotherington-Thomas has been enjoying some bird-watching:
“No, I don’t think that was an egret, actually. It looked more like this.”
Now here’s a surprise: despite their international success, the Wanda Rex Yon videos are still really low-budget. They’re not on a real road, and they can only afford waxworks to operate the lights.
That’s the old Loyd Grossman statue from the set of pre-Torode Masterchef, wearing mufti.
By now you must be bored, having had to wait a whole forty seconds for the homoeroticism to kick in.
Feel better now?
…JAIL? What?? Boys, it’s 2013; it’s no longer illegal for you to do all those things the slashfic writers want you to do with each other.
The pitch for this video, in one screengrab:
“One Direction hijack their school production of Chicago to perform their B*Witched tribute act.”
With an encore of “Lafayette turns into the brujo-face at the end of True Blood series four” tribute act.
You know how the papers get hold of school photos of criminals? Like everyone, Won Dire Act Choon have their fair share of embarrassing yearbook pictures.